Homemaking - Clean Humor

Humor from Children

Out of the mouths of babes! Enjoy this humor shared by our HomeschoolChristian.com message board visitors.

Loving Your Neighbor

We moved into this neighborhood about four years ago. The neighbors found out we homeschooled so they all thought we were "strange" right off the bat. Have any of you had that happen??? That's what I thought. Well our son who would be around three at the time found a little boy next door to play with. At the time we had a stray black cat that hung around. He would sit with Jake on the porch and they would just sit and have all kinds of conversations. Well around this same time Jake went through a period of wanting to dress like a wizard (at least we think that is what he was supposed to be.) So now I set up the scene... We are new, we homeschool, black cat hangs around and son dresses like a wizard ... complete with a cape, hat and spell book. Now we are used to this dressing up thing and unless it is something really off the wall we tend to let him go with the flow. Oh by the way, yes we are Christians!! So I think nothing of it when I see Jake, the boy next door, the cat, the book ... OH, yes and now he has a stick (wand) in his hand. I look out the door, they seem to be having a good time. In comes Jake ... phone rings its the boy's mom. Here is the conversation .....

Me: "Hello"

Mom: "This is the neighbor, ummm your son put a spell on my son."

Me: "Is he all right?"

Mom: "Well yes?"

Me: "Well that's good ... the last neighborhood we lived in ... he turned a kid into a newt."

That was the end of that conversation. Never fear we are out of the wizard stage and now that mom and I are good friends. And her son goes to church with our son. Neat how things work out! Submitted by Lisa C.

Seeing Pocahontas

Here's something that happened when my daughter had just turned three. We were in a clothing store and a little girl kept following us around the store. Her mother didn't seem to be paying much attention to her. My daughter started talking with her. At one point, the little girl said, "My mother is taking me to see Pocahontas. Are you going to see Pocahontas?" My daughter had never heard of her. She just thought for a couple of seconds and replied, "I'm going to heaven to see Jesus, do you want to come there?" The little girl's mother suddenly appeared and got her out of there quick! It was pretty funny to see! Submitted by Martha B.

Math Made Easy

While coming back from Lisa's concert tonight she told me she had math homework and was having a hard time with percentages. We were discussing it and I asked her what 50% was. She replied half. I then asked about 25% which she replied a quarter. Next came 75% and she hesitated, but got it right. We then went on to discuss 33% and why that makes a third. The next logical question was, "Lisa, what is 10%?" Her reply was "A very bad grade!" After wiping my eyes from laughing so hard, (while driving mind you) I then explained what 10% was and then asked her what 20% was. Her reply, "Better, but still not passing!" That's fifth grade humor at it's best. Submitted by Nan W.

Lord, Let Us Hear You!

This past fall we had a couple of hurricanes that made most of us in Florida keep a watchful eye on the weather. A couple of them were of particular concern and my seven year old daughter, who tends to get fearful anyway, was constantly asking me if the hurricane was coming our way. At one point I told her that no one knows for sure exactly where a hurricane is going to go .... that only God knows everything, to which she asked, "Then why doesn't He yell down and tell us?" Submitted by Pat H.

Angel Kisses

My daughter has suddenly become very concerned with her appearance, and looking in the mirror one day noticed several freckles on her face. Greatly upset she asked me what they were and rather than have her think of them as a blemish, I told her they were angel kisses. While she was sleeping the angels who watched over her just couldn't resist! She showed me a larger freckle on her arm and said, "The angel that kissed me here must have had real big lips!!" Submitted by Diona.

Sour Cookies

When our son was about three, we were shopping --- it was one of "those" weeks, with everything to do and no time to do it. He was begging me to get stuff to make chocolate chip cookies, and I kept refusing. I have no idea where he heard this, but he must have. He slumped over the front of the grocery cart, and in his MOST melodramatic body language and voice cried out, "OH! Oh! All of my plans have gone sour!!" Submitted by Laura B.

Crayons in Heaven

Daniel, my almost five year old tonight said, "Mom, what's 'art' in heaven?" It suddenly dawned on me that he thought that the Lord's Prayer...'Our Father, who ART in heaven' must mean that there are crayons and paper in heaven!!! We all laughed so hard!!! He also got a kick out of it! Submitted by Mary Leggewie.

Dear Harold

A couple of years ago, we were teaching our dear child the Lord's Prayer. My then four-year-old (who's known for spilling forth hysterical sayings) got very excited!

"Mommy, Mommy, I didn't know Uncle had the same name as God!" she exclaimed.

"HUH?" was my response.

"The prayer said so; "Harold be thy name!"

After convulsive laughter, my husband explained what it all meant.

Then came the next Christmas. In the middle of worship, after the pastor announced the next hymn, my daughter announces at the top of her lungs, "OH! It was the angel's name!" The hymn was, of course, "Hark the Herald, Angels Sing".

Kids theology can be such a bright spot in our lives! Submitted by Monica.

The Wet Bed

Came home from guitar lessons last night to find the electricity out. Father-in-law called, and while talking to "pop pop", my ten year old was playing with a safety pin. No big deal, right. Well he was sitting on our water bed at the time. In the middle of the night my husband wakes up thinking I wet the bed. Right, like it couldn't have been him! Anyway, we discover the source of the 'wet spot' and then, with flashlight and candle commence patching it. Nine patches later, we couldn't get back to sleep, so we sat there trying to figure out how we can escape to Hawaii and be back without the kids missing us. WHAT was my son thinking? Can you guess what I'm thinking? Submitted by Monica.

Thanks for Saying "No"!

One summer evening, a young son came in while his parents were setting the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help.

His mother said, "No, but I certainly appreciate your asking."

The child responded, "Well, I certainly appreciate your saying no!"

Santa's E-mail Is Broken!

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual question, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open-mouthed and horrified for a minute, and then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

What Role Do You Play?

I was casting kids at church for our annual Christmas play, and was giving out choices, such as Shepherd, Lamb, Villager. One five-year-old couldn't decide, so I said, "Luke, you can be a Villager." He said, "OK," and ran over to his parents.

Very excited, he said to them, "Guess what! I get to be a mini-van!"

Sixteen Wives

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

"Where did you come up with that answer?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said: four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer."

Swim and Ride a Bike Better?

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter Asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for him. He's my little brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."

"UNANSWERED PRAYER"

The preacher's five-year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.

BEING THANKFUL

A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

The Cola Wars

On our way home from church one day, my husband asked three-year-old Charlotte, "What is your favorite song in Sunday school?" She quickly replied, "Joshua fought the battle of Cherry Coke."

"EXPRESS PRAYER"

Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving, Easter, and other special occasions when he, typically, said a long prayer over the food. One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, grandfather (to our son's surprise) asked a very brief blessing on the food. With a gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his Grandfather and said, "You don't pray so long when you're hungry, do you Grandpa?"

An Honest Lawyer

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER

During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?"

Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle ... and He just then did!"

Practice What You Preach

One afternoon five-year-old Faith, and her preschool brother, Alfred, were doing "homework." Alfred had a habit of saying phrases like "I can't" or "I don't know how."
This particular afternoon, Faith responded with a Bible verse she had learned at school: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
Alfred replied, "OK. Then you do it!"

"TIME TO PRAY"

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.

"Yes sir," the boy replied.

"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.

"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."

The Good Samaritan

Mom asked Little Johnny what he had learned in Sunday School that morning. "Well, our new teacher brought us cookies again and then told us 'bout the Good American." "Honey, it's pronounced "Suh-MAR-i-tin". Can you tell me about the story?" "Well, yeah. He was the good one an' he helped somebody 'cause them two preachers left 'im the ditch 'cause he already got robbed."

"THE BLESSING"

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said.

Our daughter bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Q and A

The following list of children's answers to questions posed by others is sure to grant you new perspective about answers commonly taken for granted!

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (i.e., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

"BEWARE OF TRASH"

One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our 'trash baskets' as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

"ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS"

When my daughter, Kelli, was 3, she and my son, Cody, would say their nightly prayers, together. As most children do, we have to bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."

As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"

Her response, "Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!"

A Wise Little Man

A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible: Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task, but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rickey was so nervous.

When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

"SAY A PRAYER"

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny wait until we say our prayer."

"I don't have to," The boy replied.

"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer, before eating, at our house."

"That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!

Don't Give Up So Easily, Mom!

A little boy was fascinated as he watched his mother smooth cold cream on her face.

"Mommy," he asked, "why do you put that stuff on your face?"

"To make myself beautiful," his mother replied as she began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up already?"

I'm not free!

The Fourth of July was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free."

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. Standing with his hands on his hips, he said, "I'm not free. I'm FOUR!"

Evolution in the Classroom

One day a six year old girl was sitting in the classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children.

The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?

Tommy: Yes.

Teacher: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

Teacher: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.

Tommy: OK. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.

Teacher: Did you see God?

Tommy: No.

Teacher: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

Tommy: Yes.

Little girl: Tommy do you see the grass outside?

Tommy: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time)

Little girl: Did you see the sky?

Tommy: Yessssss

Little Girl: Tommy, do you see the teacher?

Tommy: Yes

Little Girl: Do you see her brain?

Tommy: No

Little Girl: Does that mean she doesn't have one?

Why I Like Being Home-Schooled

I asked my seven year old the other day if he'd ever like to return to the private school he attended last year. "Oh no," he said, "I never want to go back." Curious and, might I say, a bit pleased, I asked him why he liked home-school so much. His answer: "Because I get to go to school barefoot."

The Things Kids Say

JACK (three) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (five) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Said Melanie, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (three) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (four) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?

SUSAN (four) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DANI (four) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (four) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad, "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (five) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (four) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (four) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Unforgettable Sermon

"Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward Heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?

What a Considerate Daughter!

Julie's sister had been ill, so she called to see how she was doing. Her ten-year-old niece answered the phone.
"Hello," she whispered.
"Hi, Honey. How's your mother doing?" Julie asked.
"She's sleeping," she answered, again in a whisper.
"Did she go to the doctor?" Julie asked.
"Yes. She got some medicine," my niece said softly.
"Well, don't wake her. Just tell her I called. So what are you doing, by the way?"
Again in a soft whisper, she answered, "Practicing my trumpet."

More humor!