Homemaking - Clean Humor

Holiday Humor

Enjoy this Christmas humor shared by our HomeschoolChristian.com message board visitors.

What Role Do You Play?

I was casting kids at church for our annual Christmas play, and was giving out choices, such as Shepherd, Lamb, Villager. One 5-year-old couldn't decide, so I said, "Luke, you can be a Villager."

He said, "OK," and ran over to his parents. Very excited, he said to them, "Guess what! I get to be a mini-van!"

Diamonds

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

Misc. Christmas Controversies

CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake?
YUPPIE: Live tree, planted after use
MALE: Fake tree, discarded after use
FEMALE: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits
REALITY: Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with fur-balls
CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
YUPPIE: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm
MALE: Bulbs flash logo of football team
FEMALE: Elegant flickering candles
REALITY: Tree bursts into flames, burns house down
CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?
YUPPIE: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype
MALE: Blonde angel.
FEMALE: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas
REALITY: Hells Angel's steals the tree and the gifts
CONTROVERSY: Do ya fling or hang tinsel?
YUPPIE: Empower each strand w/self-determining skills
MALE: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree
FEMALE: Each icicle hangs like strand of delicate artwork
REALITY: More icicles on floor than on tree
CONTROVERSY: Do ya open gifts on Christmas Eve or morning?
YUPPIE: Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules so all enjoy surprise
MALE: Anytime, just so it doesn't interfere with football
FEMALE: Anytime the entire family is present
REALITY: Doesn't matter, everyone's peeked anyway
CONTROVERSY: Ham or Turkey for Christmas Dinner
YUPPIE: Baked Tofu Balls stuffed with wheat germ
MALE: Anything, as long as there's plenty
FEMALE: A meal the entire family plans and prepares
REALITY: Chinese carry-out or McDonald's

Twelve Holiday Uses for Duct Tape

Red duct tape with white duct tape trim covering a down ski jacket makes a cheap Santa outfit.
Hang stockings from the chimney with duct tape.
Fasten decorative lights to railings of house with duct tape.
Thin strips of Duct Tape make great self-adhering tinsel.
Cover the inevitable gift fruit cake with duct tape and use as door stop.
Wrap gifts in Duct Tape for the gift that says, "Open me ... eventually."
Cover Christmas tree boughs with green duct tape to prevent needles from dropping.
Cover your dead tree limbs with green duct tape and cut fringes in the tape. Presto! Perma-Christmas Tree!
Control that hideous holiday weight gain ... Duct tape over your mouth.
Duct tape over the names in last years greeting cards and resend them.
Silver duct tape turns that old bride's maid dress into shiny holiday formal wear.
Duct tape great grandpa upright in his chair....!"

The Top 10 Ways to Know That You're a Christmas Scrooge!

You persuade neighborhood kids the best way to make snow angels is 'face-down'.
Your Christmas cards reads,"It's NOT the thought that counts ~I expect a present!"
When you look at the Rockefeller Center Tree, you always wish for a blackout.
Within earshot of little kids, you announce that dinner ~reindeer steaks ~ is served.
You chuckle when people search through a box of tinsel for the gift NOT enclosed.
You're giving your brothers and sisters each a bottle of Florida swamp water.
When you come to the table to carve the turkey, you're wearing a Jason hockey mask.
You know you're smarter then all the Wise Men put together.
You have been diagnosed by a professional as "Generosity~challenged."
You convince a youngster to lick on a icy metal pole.

A Decorated Tree... or NOT!

There were two goobers (in my area, we call 'em "Aggies") who went deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one goober turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

The 12 Days of Homeschooling

On the first day of homeschool, my neighbor said to me, Can you homeschool le-gal-ly?
On the 2nd day of homeschool, my neighbor said to me, Are they socialized? Can you homeschool le-gal-ly?
On the 3rd day of homeschool, my neighbor said to me, Do you give them tests? Are they socialized? Can you homeschool le-gal-ly?
On the 4th day of homeschool, my neighbor said to me, What about PE? Do you give them tests? Are they socialized? Can you homeschool le-gal-ly?
On the 5th day on homeschool, my neighbor said to me, YOU ARE SO STRANGE! What about PE? Do you give them tests? Are they socialized? Can you homeschool le-gal-ly?
On the 6th day of homeschool, my neighbor said to me, How long will you homeschool? YOU ARE SO STRANGE! What about PE? Do you give them tests? Are they socialized? Can you homeschool le-gal-ly?
On the 7th day of homeschool, my neighbor said to me, Look at what they're missing! How long will you homeschool? YOU ARE SO STRANGE! What about PE? Do you give them tests? Are they socialized? Can you homeschool le-gal-ly?
On the 8th day of homeschool, my neighbor said to me, Why do you do this? Look at what they're missing! How long will you homeschool? YOU ARE SO STRANGE! What about PE? Do you give them tests? Can you homeschool le-gal-ly?
On the 9th day of homeschool, my neighbor said to me, I could never do this, Why do you do this? Look at what they're missing! How long will you homeschool? YOU ARE SO STRANGE! What about PE? Do you give them tests? Are they socialized? Can you homeschool le-gal-ly?
On the 10th day of homeschool, my neighbor said to me, They'll miss the prom! I could never do this, Why do you do this? Look at what they're missing! How long will you homeschool? YOU ARE SO STRANGE! What about PE? Do you give them tests? Are they socialized? Can you homeschool le-gal-ly?
On the 11th day of homeschool, my neighbor said to me, What about graduation? They'll miss the prom! I could never do this, Why do you do this? Look at what they're missing! How long will you homeschool? YOU ARE SO STRANGE! What about PE? Do you give them tests?Are they socialized? Can you homeschool le-gal-ly?
On the 12th day of homeschool, my neighbor said to me, Can they go to college? What about graduation? They'll miss the prom! I could never do this! Why do you do this? How long will you homeschool? YOU ARE SO STRANGE! What about PE? Do you give them tests? Are they socialized? Can you homeschool le-gal-ly?
On the 13th day of homeschool, I thoughtfully replied, "Colleges love homeschools, we'll have high school transcripts, prom is just a party, you could if you wanted, God wants me to do this, they are missing nothing, I'll homeschool forever, WE ARE NOT STRANGE! We go to the "Y", we do test, they are super kids, and we homeschool le-gal-ly!