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Homemaking - Clean Humor

Humor for Every Day

Here are some clean jokes shared by our HomeschoolChristian.com message board visitors. Sometimes humor takes the form of irony to provoke thought. May we always be open to these lessons!

Discussing Socialization Concerns From the Right Perspective

Two women meet at a playground, where their children are swinging and playing ball. The women are sitting on a bench watching. Eventually, they begin to talk.

W1: Hi. My name is Maggie. My kids are the three in red shirts --helps me keep track of them.

W2: (Smiles) I'm Terri. Mine are in the pink and yellow shirts. Do you come here a lot?

W1: Usually two or three times a week, after we go to the library.

W2: Wow. Where do you find the time?

W1: We home school, so we do it during the day most of the time.

W2: Some of my neighbors home school, but I send my kids to public school.

W1: How do you do it?

W2: It's not easy. I go to all the PTO meetings and work with the kids every day after school and stay real involved.

W1: But what about socialization? Aren't you worried about them being cooped up all day with kids their own ages, never getting the opportunity for natural relationships?

W2: Well, yes. But I work hard to balance that. They have some friends who're home schooled, and we visit their grandparents almost every month.

W1: Sounds like you're a very dedicated mom. But don't you worry about all the opportunities they're missing out on? I mean they're so isolated from real life -- how will they know what the world is like -- what people do to make a living -- how to get along with all different kinds of people?

W2: Oh, we discussed that at PTO, and we started a fund to bring real people into the classrooms. Last month, we had a policeman and a doctor come in to talk to every class. And next month, we're having a woman from Japan and a man from Kenya come to speak.

W1: Oh, we met a man from Japan in the grocery store the other week,and he got to talking about his childhood in Tokyo. My kids were absolutely fascinated. We invited him to dinner and got to meet his wife and their three children.

W2: That's nice. Hmm. Maybe we should plan some Japanese food for the lunchroom on Multicultural Day.

W1: Maybe your Japanese guest could eat with the children.

W2: Oh, no. She's on a very tight schedule. She has two other schools to visit that day. It's a system-wide thing we're doing.

W1: Oh, I'm sorry. Well, maybe you'll meet someone interesting in the grocery store sometime and you'll end up having them over for dinner.

W2: I don't think so. I never talk to people in the store--certainly not people who might not even speak my language. What if that Japanese man hadn't spoken English?

W1: To tell you the truth, I never had time to think about it. Before I even saw him, my six-year-old had asked him what he was going to do with all the oranges he was buying.

W2: Your child talks to strangers?

W1: I was right there with him. He knows that as long as he's with me, he can talk to anyone he wishes.

W2: But you're developing dangerous habits in him. My children never talk to strangers.

W1: Not even when they're with you?

W2: They're never with me, except at home after school. So you see why it's so important for them to understand that talking to strangers is a big no-no.

W1: Yes, I do. But if they were with you, they could get to meet interesting people and still be safe. They'd get a taste of the real world, in real settings. They'd also get a real feel for how to tell when a situation is dangerous or suspicious.

W2: They'll get that in the third and fifth grades in their health courses.

W1: Well, I can tell you're a very caring mom. Let me give you my number--if you ever want to talk, give me a call. It was good to meet you.

--Author unknown

How does a homeschooler change a light bulb?

Q: How does a home schooler change a light bulb?

A: First, mom checks three books on electricity out of the library, then the kids make models of light bulbs, read a biography of Thomas Edison and do a skit based on his life. Next, everyone studies the history of lighting methods, wrapping up with dipping their own candles. Next, everyone takes a trip to the store where they compare types of light bulbs as well as prices and figure out how much change they'll get if they buy two bulbs for $1.99 and pay with a five dollar bill. On the way home, a discussion develops over the history of money and also Abraham Lincoln, as his picture is on the five dollar bill. Finally, after building a homemade ladder out of branches dragged from the woods, the light bulb is installed. And there is light.

To Be Educated

If I learn my ABCs, can read 600 words per minute, and can write with perfect penmanship, but have not been shown how to communicate with the Designer of all language, I have not been educated.

If I can deliver an eloquent speech and persuade you with my stunning logic, but have not been instructed in God's wisdom, I have not been educated.

If I have read Shakespeare and John Locke and can discuss their writings with keen insight, but have not read the greatest of all books - the Bible- and have no knowledge of its personal importance, I have not been educated.

If I have memorized addition facts, multiplication tables, and chemical formulas, but have never been disciplined to hide God's Word in my heart, I have not been educated.

If I can explain the law of gravity and Einstein's theory of relativity, but have never been instructed in the unchangeable laws of the One Who orders our universe, I have not been educated.

If I can classify animals by their family, genus and species, and can write a lengthy scientific paper that wins an award, but have not been introduced to the Maker's purpose for all creation, I have not been educated.

If I can recite the Gettysburg Address and the Preamble to the Constitution, but have not been informed of the hand of God in the history of our country, I have not been educated.

If I can play the piano, the violin, six other instruments, and can write music that moves men to tears, but have not been taught to listen to the Director of the universe and worship Him, I have not been educated.

If I can run cross-country races, star in basketball and do 100 push-ups without stopping, but have never been shown how to bend my spirit to do God's will, I have not been educated.

If I can identify a Picasso, describe the style of Da Vinci, and even paint a portrait that earns an A+, but have not learned that all harmony and beauty comes from a relationship with God, I have not been educated.

If I graduate with a perfect 4.0 and am accepted at the best university with full scholarship, but have not been guided into a career of God's choosing for me, I have not been educated.

If I become a good citizen, voting at each election and fighting for what is moral and right, but have not been told of the sinfulness of man and his hopelessness without Christ, I have not been educated.

However, if one day I see the world as God sees it, and come to know Him, Whom to know is life eternal, and glorify God by fulfilling His purpose for me, then, I have been educated!

By Carolyn Caines, Supervisor,
Columbia Heights Christian Academy
Longview, Washington

Why I like being home-schooled

I asked my seven year old the other day if he'd ever like to return to the private school he attended last year. "Oh no," he said, "I never want to go back." Curious and, might I say, a bit pleased, I asked him why he liked home-school so much. His answer: "Because I get to go to school barefoot."

A Homeschooling Mom's New Year's Resolutions

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Rhea Perry (mother of seven, homeschooling for fifteen years) is the editor of Training Young People for Success, an online newsletter where this article originally appeared.

I will not be late for field trips, classes, parties, doctor's appointments, church or any other important events and even if I have to take the baby 'as is.'

I will limit my email to two hours a day so I can remember to feed the children.

I will quit stealing grocery money to buy more books at the local library sale.

I will never again commit the cardinal sin of buying Megablocks instead of Legos.

I promise not to get mad or yell at anybody before church, even if the children have to go with one shoe and unmatched socks.

I will send out my Christmas cards at the end of November and have my Christmas shopping done before Christmas Eve.

I will quit hiding in the bathroom when the children overwhelm me.

I will quit wearing denim jumpers as soon as all those I have wear out.

I promise to mail my children's pen pal letters before I lose them.

I will start a home business to finance my book addiction. I think I'll start with buying and selling books on eBay.

I promise myself I will lose 20 pounds before my high school reunion in June.

I promise to read all the neat books I bought to the children before I sell them on eBay.

I promise to put $20 every month into my Education Envelope so I don't cry in the vendor hall at our local homeschool convention this spring.

I will go to bed on time so I can wake up before the baby, even if I have to leave the dishes in the sink again.

I will faithfully do whatever the Flylady says and keeps my tennis shoes tied.

I will wash the van every month and clean it out after every trip to town.

I promise to control all conflict, including screaming, kicking, throwing things, slamming doors, pouting, fighting, leaving, locking people in the bathroom, and other such childish behavior, when I don't get my way.

I promise to read to the children every night and quit pretending I'm asleep.

I promise not to usurp the answering machine's authority.

I promise not to hog the computer once my husband has come home from work even though he only wants to play solitaire.

I promise to try to think of one positive thing to tell my husband when he comes home from work before I unload on him the 20 things that went wrong.

I will try not to buy one more math program.

I promise to limit returned phone calls to 10 minutes each, even when it's just the plumber.

I promise to teach my children the correct response to store clerks and bank tellers so they don't reply, 'I don't go to school.'

I promise to quit bribing my children to be quiet by paying them money or candy.

I promise to read all the books I own before I buy anymore.

I promise to learn to cook this year and hope the local pizza place doesn't go out of business because of it.

I will never make New Year's Resolutions ever again.

Evolution in the Classroom

One day a six year old girl was sitting in the classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children.

The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?

Tommy: Yes.

Teacher: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

Teacher: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.

Tommy: OK. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.

Teacher: Did you see God?

Tommy: No.

Teacher: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?

Tommy: Yes.

Little girl: Tommy do you see the grass outside?

Tommy: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time)

Little girl: Did you see the sky?

Tommy: Yessssss

Little Girl: Tommy, do you see the teacher?

Tommy: Yes

Little Girl: Do you see her brain?

Tommy: No

Little Girl: Does that mean she doesn't have one?

Homeschooler's Version of I Corinthians 13

If I teach with the tongues of angels, but have no love, I am only a loud noise.

If I have the gift of teaching and know my kids well, if I have faith and pray for them daily, but have no love, I am nothing.

If I give all I have to my family, wash all their clothes, feed them, eat their peanut butter and jelly crusts for lunch, drive them to practice, surrendering all my wants for them, surrendering my body to fatigue, but don't have love, it is nothing.

Love is patient when our kids don't get it.

Love is kind when our kids don't get it.

It does not envy other families' kids.

It does not boast about how great a job we're doing.

It is not proud that we're not like those "non-homeschoolers."

It is not rude to our kids.

It is not self-seeking, wanting to have everything the way we want it.

It is not easily angered.

It keeps no records of wrongs or how often our kids forget to put the marker lids on.

Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

Where there are great teaching days, they will cease.

Where there are kind words, they will be stilled.

Where there is knowledge of math facts and capital cities, it will pass away.

These three remain: faith, hope, and love; and the greatest of these is love.

Shipwreck

A voyaging ship was wrecked during a storm at sea and only two of the men on it were able to swim to a small, desert like island. The two survivors, not knowing what else to do, agree that they had no other recourse but to pray to God. However, to find out whose prayer was more powerful, they agreed to divide the territory between them and stay on opposite sides of the island. The first thing they prayed for was food.

The next morning, the first man saw a fruit-bearing tree on his side of the land, and he was able to eat its fruit. The other man's parcel of land remained barren.

After a week, the first man was lonely and he decided to pray for a wife. The next day, another ship was wrecked, and the only survivor was a woman who swam to his side of the land. On the other side of the island, there was nothing.

Soon the first man prayed for a house, clothes, more food. The next day, like magic, all of these were given to him. However, the second man still had nothing.

Finally, the first man prayed for a ship, so that he and his wife could leave the island. In the morning, he found a ship docked at his side of the island.

The first man boarded the ship with his wife and decided to leave the second man on the island. He considered the other man unworthy to receive God's blessings, since none of his prayers had been answered.

As the ship was about to leave, the first man heard a voice from heaven booming, "Why are you leaving your companion on the island?"

"My blessings are mine alone, since I was the one who prayed for them," the first man answered. "His prayers were all unanswered and so he does not deserve anything."

"You are mistaken!" the voice rebuked him. "He had only one prayer, which I answered. If not for that, you would not have received any of my blessings."

"Tell me," the first man asked the voice, "what did he pray for that I should owe him anything?"

"He prayed that all your prayers be answered."

For all we know, our blessings are not the fruits of our prayers alone, but those of another praying for us.

A Wedding Cake Error

A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."

The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18" ..

"for you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."

Moses

Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President George W. Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.

President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't you Moses?" The man never answered but just kept staring straight ahead.

Again the President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the President. Bush pulled a Secret Service agent aside and pointing to the robed man asked him, "Doesn't that man look like Moses to you?"

The Secret Service agent agreed.

"Well," said the President, "every time I say his name, he just keeps staring straight ahead and refuses to speak. Watch!" Again the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man stared ahead and didn't answer.

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?" The man leaned over and whispered back .

"Yes, I am Moses. However, the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert, and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where there is no oil."

Home Remedies and Helpful Hints

If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are. You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
And finally, be really nice to your family and friends, you never Know when you might need them to empty your bedpan!

Don't give up so easily, Mom!

A little boy was fascinated as he watched his mother smooth cold cream on her face.

"Mommy," he asked, "why do you put that stuff on your face?"

"To make myself beautiful," his mother replied as she began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up already?"

I'm not free!

The Fourth of July was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

"We live in a great country," she said.

"One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free."

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room.

Standing with his hands on his hips, he said, "I'm not free. I'm FOUR!"

Noah's Ark

Here's a list of ten possible things that could have been said on Noah's Ark:

Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?
Hey, there are more than two flies in here!
Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?
OK, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?
Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!
Don't Make Me Pull This Ark Over And Come Back There!
No Ham, you cannot eat the Pig!
And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out.
Nice Doggie!
Are We There Yet?

Jericho's Walls

The new young, energetic pastor wanted to get acquainted with every member of the congregation ASAP, so he decided that during the SS hour he visit the different classes. The first Sunday, curious to find out what the children were learning, he visited the Primary Boys' class and after being introduced by the teacher, he asked the class "Boys, can anyone in here tell me who did something to make the Jericho walls fall?" There was a hushed silence, then a low rumble among the boys and finally little Johnny spoke up from the back of the room and said "Sir, not NONE of us had anything at ALL to do with it! We were all over at Tim's birthday party. You can ask his folks!!" The pastor decided he should move on to the next class and simply observe....

Later that week, at a board meeting the Pastor began to relay how he had visited all the classes, met most of the church members and stated how excited he and his family were to be there. At one point, he mentioned the Primary Boys' class, stating "I'm afraid I really made the Primary Boys pretty uncomfortable, though that wasn't my intent. When I asked them who made the Walls of Jericho come down.." and before he could finish his sentence, the most elderly board member stood up and said "'Scuse me, Pastor. But, wait just a minute, please! Now, let's not start off on a sour note here. I know we have more than enough in the building fund so I say let's just go ahead and pay for the damages and get on with the program"....

So, Where Do YOU Live?

You live in ARIZONA when...

You are willing to park three blocks away because you found shade.
You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel.
You've experienced condensation on your fanny from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face.
You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top.
Dress Code is meaningless at high schools and universities.
You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME..??!!
You know that dry heat is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

You live in CALIFORNIA when...

You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
You know how to eat an artichoke.
You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
When someone asks you how far something is, you answer with how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You live in NEW YORK CITY when...

You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
You can! get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
You think Central Park is nature.
You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language means you are multi-lingual.
You've worn out a car horn.
You believe eye contact to be an act of aggression.

You live in MAINE when...

You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
You have more than one recipe for moose.
Sensual lingerie is anything flannel with less than 8 buttons.
The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You live in the DEEP SOUTH when...

You can rent a movie, buy fried chicken and bait in the same store.
'Ya'll' is singular and 'all ya'll' is plural.
After five years you still hear 'You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?'
'He needed killin!' is a valid defense.
Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

You live in COLORADO when...

You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
A pass does not involve a football or dating.
The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the MIDWEST when...

You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
Your idea of a traffic jam is 10 cars waiting to pass a tractor.
You have had to switch from heat to A/C on the same day.
You end sentences with a preposition: Where's my coat at?
When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, It was different!

You live in FLORIDA when...

You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

Letter From a Farm Kid

(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING.)

Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Carol

Does Evil Exist?

A university professor challenged his students with this question: Did God create everything that exists?"

A student bravely replied "Yes, he did!"

"God created everything?" the professor asked.

"Yes sir," the student replied.

The professor answered, "If God created everything, then God created evil since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works define who we are, then God is evil."

The professor was quite pleased with himself and boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a myth.

Another student raised his hand and said, "Can I ask you a question professor?"

"Of course," replied the professor.

The student stood up and asked, "Professor does cold exist?"

The professor replied "Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?"

The students snickered at the young man's question.

The young man replied, "In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (- 460 degrees F) is the total absence of heat. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat.

The student continued. "Professor, does darkness exist?"

The professor responded, "Of course it does."

The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir. Darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study,but not darkness. In fact we can use Newton's prism to break white lightinto many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present."

Finally the young man asked the professor. "Sir, does evil exist?"

Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course as I have already said. We see it every day. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man.It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil."

To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God."

"God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light."

The professor sat down.

Proving It

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "because I don't believe you are over 21".

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.

At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag.

The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

THE OIL SHORTAGE

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical.

Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, Oklahoma, and TEXAS.

However, our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC

Dreamer

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

Fast Ride

There were two guys riding down the road on a motorcycle. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that had a broken zipper. He finally stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest."

He decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. They continued driving down the road and came around a bend in the road, lost control, and wrecked.

A nearby farmer called the police and reported the accident. The police asked him, "Are they showing any sign of life?"

"Well," the farmer said, "the driver was until I turned his head around the right way."

Redneck Tips

Going Out:

Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Entertaining In Your Home:

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good he is
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

Personal Hygiene:

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's own truck keys.
Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating:(Outside The Family)

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
Establish, with her parents, what time she is expected back. Some will say 10 p.m.; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette:

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings:

Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette:

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tire always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Limited Time Left

The middle-aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.

"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.

His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my mother-in-law".

Surprised by the answer, the doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your mother-in-law?"

"Because it'll be the longest six months of my life."

Cruise/Nursing Home

About 2 years ago a friend of mine was on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner he noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room.

He also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. He asked the waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back.

As he left the dining room one evening he caught her eye and stopped to say hello. They chatted and he said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises". She replied, "Yes, that's true."

He told her that he didn't understand and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home."

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship.

The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long-term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day.

That leaves $65 a day for:

Gratuities, which will only be $10 per day. And the rest can be put into the slot machines.
I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).
Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips and your casino winnings will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.
TV. broken? Light bulb needs changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.
Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.
If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

PS: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge!

Starbucks

This is Jackie Mason's take on Starbuck's. Listen for his voice as you read.

If I said to you, "I have a great idea for a business. I'll open a whole new type of coffee shop. Instead of charging 60 cents for coffee, I'll charge $2.50, $3.50, $4.50, and $5.50. Not only that, I'll have no tables, no chairs, no water, no free refills, no waiters, no busboys, serve it in cardboard cups, and have the customer clean it up for 20 minutes after they're finished." Would you say to me, "That's the greatest idea for a business I ever heard! We can open a chain of these all over the world!" No, you would put me right into a sanitarium. And it's burnt coffee! It's burnt coffee at Starbuck's, be honest about it. If you get burnt coffee in a coffee shop, you call a cop. You say, "It's the bottom of the pot. I don't drink from the bottom of the pot. "But when it's burnt at Starbuck's, they say, "Oh, it's a special roast. It's a special bean from Argentina....." The bean is in your head!!! I know burnt!!! You want coffee in a coffee shop, that's 60 cents. But at Starbuck's, if it's Cafe Latte: $3.50. Cafe Creamier: $4.50. Caffe Suisse: $9.50. For each French word, another four dollars. Why does a little cream in coffee make it worth $3.50? Go into any coffee shop; they'll give you all the cream you want until you're blue in the face. 40 million people are walking around in coffee shops with pitchers of cream: "Here's all the cream you want!" And it's still 60 cents. You know why? Because it's called "coffee". You want cinnamon in your coffee? Ask for cinnamon in a coffee shop; they'll give you all the cinnamon you want. Do they ask you for more money because it's cinnamon? It's the same price for cinnamon in your coffee as for coffee without cinnamon -- 60 cents, that's it. But not in Starbucks. Over there, it's Cinnamonnier - $9.50.

You want a refill in a regular coffee shop, they'll give you all the refills you want until you drop dead. You can come in when you're 27 and keep drinking coffee until you're 98. And they'll start begging you: "Here, You want more coffee?" Do you know that you can't get a refill at Starbucks? A refill is a dollar fifty, two refills, $4.50. Three refills, $19.50. So, for four cups of coffee - $35.00. And there're no chairs in those Starbucks. Instead, they have these high stools. You ever see these stools? You haven't been on a chair that high since you were two. Seventy-three year old Jews are climbing and climbing to get to the top of the chair. And when they get to the top, they can't even drink the coffee because there's 12 people around one little table, and everybody's saying, "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me....." Then they can't get off the chair. Old Jews are begging Gentiles, "Mister, could you get me off this?"

Do you remember what a cafeteria was? In poor neighborhoods all over this country, they went to a cafeteria because there were no waiters and no service. And so poor people could save money on a tip. Cafeterias didn't have regular tables or chairs either. They gave coffee to you in a cardboard cup. So because of that you paid less for the coffee. You got less, so you paid less. It's all the same at Starbucks -- no chairs, no service, a cardboard cup for your coffee -- except in Starbucks, the less you get, the more it costs. By the time they give you nothing, it's worth four times as much!

Am I exaggerating? Did you ever try to buy a cookie in Starbuck's? Buy a cookie in a regular coffee shop. You can tear down a building with that cookie. And the whole cookie is 60 cents. At Starbuck's, you're going to have to hire a detective to find that cookie, and it's $9.50. And you can't put butter on it because they want extra. Do you know that if you buy a bagel, you pay extra for cream cheese in Starbuck's? Cream cheese, another 60 Cents. A knife to put it on, 32 cents. If it reaches the bagel, 48 cents. That bagel costs you $3.12. And they don't give you the butter or the cream cheese. They don't give it to you. They tell you where it is. "Oh, you want butter? It's over there. Cream cheese? Over here. Sugar? Sugar is here." Now you become your own waiter. You walk around with a tray. "I'll take the cookie. Where's the butter?" "The butter's here." "Where's the cream cheese?" "The cream cheese is there."

You walked around for an hour and a half selecting items, and then the guy at the cash register has a glass in front of him that says "Tips." You're waiting on tables for an hour, and you owe him money?

Then there's a sign that says please clean it up when you're finished. They don't give you a waiter or a busboy. Now you've become the janitor.

Now you have to start cleaning up the place. Old Jews are walking around cleaning up Starbuck's. "Oh, he's got dirt too? Wait, I'll clean this up." They clean up the place for an hour and a half.

Starbuck's can only get away with it because they have French titles for everything.

And I say this with the highest respect, because I don't like to talk about people.

The Secret of Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.

Analogies and Metaphors to Die For

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly charge-free ATM.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and jeopardy comes on at 7:00p.m. instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that had resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left our so long, it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
He was a lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garage truck backing up.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally stapled it to the wall.

Burma Shave Poetry

Burma Shave Poems

The Stranger

A few months before I was born, my dad met a stranger who was new to our small town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer, and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around to welcome me into the world a few months later. As I grew up, I never questioned his place in our family. Mom taught me to love the Word of God, and Dad taught me to obey it. But the stranger was our storyteller. He could weave the most fascinating tales, adventures, mysteries, and comedies were daily conversations. He could hold our whole family spellbound for hours each evening. He was like a friend to the whole family.

He took Dad, my brother, and me to our first major league baseball game. He was always encouraging us to see the movies and he even made arrangements to introduce us to several movie stars. The stranger was an incessant talker. Dad didn't seem to mind, but sometimes Mom would quietly get up - while the rest of us were enthralled with one of his stories of faraway places - go to her room, read her Bible, and pray. I wonder now if she ever prayed that the stranger would leave. You see, my Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions. But this stranger never felt an obligation to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our house - not from us, from our friends, or from adults. Our long-time visitor, however, used occasional four letter words that burned my ears and made Dad squirm. To my knowledge, neither of my parents ever confronted the stranger.

My dad was a teetotaler who didn't permit alcohol in his home - not even for cooking. But the stranger felt like we needed exposure and enlightened us to other ways of life. He offered us beer and other alcoholic beverages often. He made cigarettes look tasty, cigars manly, and pipes distinguished. He talked freely about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing. I know now that the stranger influenced my early concepts of the man-woman relationship.

As I look back, I believe it was the grace of God that the stranger did not influence us more. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet my father seldom rebuked him and never asked him to leave. More than thirty years have passed since the stranger moved in with us. But if I were to walk into my parent's home today, I would still see him sitting there waiting for someone to listen to his stories and watch him draw his pictures. His name? We always just called him..................TV.

Darrell Scott's Testimony

Guess our national leaders didn't expect this, hmm? On Thursday, Darrell Scott, the father of Rachel Scott, a victim of the Columbine High School shootings in Littleton , Colorado , was invited to address the House Judiciary Committee's subcommittee. What he said to our national leaders during this special session of Congress was painfully truthful. They were not prepared for what he was to say, nor was it received well. It needs to be heard by every parent, every teacher, every politician, every sociologist, every psychologist, and every so-called expert! These courageous words spoken by Darrell Scott are powerful, penetrating, and deeply personal. There is no doubt that God sent this man as a voice crying in the wilderness. The following is a portion of the transcript:
"Since the dawn of creation there has been both good and evil in the hearts of men and women. We all contain the seeds of kindness or the seeds of violence. The death of my wonderful daughter, Rachel Joy Scott, and the deaths of that heroic teacher, and the other eleven children who died must not be in vain. Their blood cries out for answers.
"The first recorded act of violence was when Cain slew his brother Abel out in the field. The villain was not the club he used.. Neither was it the NCA, the National Club Association. The true killer was Cain, and the reason for the murder could only be found in Cain's heart.
"In the days that followed the Columbine tragedy, I was amazed at how quickly fingers began to be pointed at groups such as the NRA. I am not a member of the NRA. I am not a hunter. I do not even own a gun. I am not here to represent or defend the NRA - because I don't believe that they are responsible for my daughter's death. Therefore I do not believe that they need to be defended. If I believed they had anything to do with Rachel's murder I would be their strongest opponent.
I am here today to declare that Columbine was not just a tragedy -- it was a spiritual event that should be forcing us to look at where the real blame lies! Much of the blame lies here in this room. Much of the blame lies behind the pointing fingers of the accusers themselves. I wrote a poem just four nights ago that expresses my feelings best. This was written way before I knew I would be speaking here today:
Your laws ignore our deepest needs,
Your words are empty air.
You've stripped away our heritage,
You've outlawed simple prayer.
Now gunshots fill our classrooms,
And precious children die.
You seek for answers everywhere,
And ask the question "Why?"
You regulate restrictive laws,
Through legislative creed.
And yet you fail to understand,
That God is what we need!
"Men and women are three-part beings. We all consist of body, mind, and spirit. When we refuse to acknowledge a third part of our make-up, we create a void that allows evil, prejudice, and hatred to rush in and wreak havoc. Spiritual presences were present within our educational systems for most of our nation's history. Many of our major colleges began as theological seminaries. This is a historical fact. What has happened to us as a nation? We have refused to honor God, and in so doing, we open the doors to hatred and violence. And when something as terrible as Columbine's tragedy occurs -- politicians immediately look for a scapegoat such as the NRA. They immediately seek to pass more restrictive laws that contribute to erode away our personal and private liberties. We do not need more restrictive laws. Eric and Dylan would not have been stopped by metal detectors. No amount of gun laws can stop someone who spends months planning this type of massacre. The real villain lies within our own hearts.
"As my son Craig lay under that table in the school library and saw his two friends murdered before his very eyes, he did not hesitate to pray in school. I defy any law or politician to deny him that right! I challenge every young person in America , and around the world, to realize that on April 20, 1999, at Columbine High School prayer was brought back to our schools. Do not let the many prayers offered by those students be in vain. Dare to move into the new millennium with a sacred disregard for legislation that violates your God-given right to communicate with Him. To those of you who would point your finger at the NRA -- I give to you a sincere challenge. Dare to examine your own heart before casting the first stone!
My daughter's death will not be in vain! The young people of this country will not allow that to happen!"

C-Nile Virus

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965.

Symptoms:

Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. done that!
Causes you to send a blank e-mail! that too!
Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!
Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. who me?
Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well darn!
Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. oh no - not again!
Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate that!
Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."

Oh No!
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

At the Pearly Gates

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table.

Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her: "Hello. How are you? We've been waiting for you. Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "l-o-v-e," and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation, and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

BRAIN CRAMPS

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President (DUH !)

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca

"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP (darn he's smart)

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go t o bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

The Hook

A pirate ran into an old friend and the friend said. "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean? I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannonball."
"Well okay. But what about that hook?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight."
"what about that eye patch?"
"Oh. one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."
"You're kidding! You couldn't lose an eye from that!"
"Well, it was my first day with the hook."

Housecleaning Philosophy

I don't do windows because...
I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

I don't wax floors because...
I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt then I'll feel terrible (plus they may sue me).

I don't mind the dust bunnies because...
They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

I don't disturb cobwebs because...
I want every creature to have a home of their own.

I don't Spring Clean because ...
I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.

I don't pull weeds in the garden because...
I don't want to get in God's way, he is an excellent designer.

I don't put things away because...
I will never be able to find them again.

I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ..
I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

I don't iron because...
I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press".

I don't stress much on anything because ...
"A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!

A clean house is a sign of a broken computer...

And mine is working fine!

Why God Created Children

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews,or students... here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created ADAM and EVE.

And the first thing he said was "DON'T!!!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"DON'T EAT THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT!!!" God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!"

"NO WAY!"

"YES WAY!"

"DO NOT EAT THE FRUIT!" said God.

"WHY?"

"BECAUSE I AM YOUR FATHER AND I SAID SO!!!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"SHE STARTED IT!" Adam said.

"DID NOT!"

"DID TOO!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

(ADVICE FOR THE DAY)

BE NICE TO YOUR KIDS. THEY WILL CHOOSE YOUR NURSING HOME ONE DAY.

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

Don't Gossip!

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home.... and left it there all night.

You Know You Are a Homeschooler if...

Someone asks what grade you're in and you're not sure.
You sometimes go to school in your pajamas.
You sleep till 9:00 am on school days, but get up early on Sundays.
Your favorite author is Jane Austen (girls) or Robert Louis Stevenson (boys).
You own the entire series of Saxon Math books.
Your birthday is an official school holiday.
You don't get to stay home from school when you're sick.
You are unaware of the current fads, fashions, and slang terms.
Your favorite activity is reading.
You know what a unit study is.
Watching a movie means you'll have to write a report comparing the film to the book.
You dress up as historical or literary characters for Halloween.
You exchange e-mail Valentines with your homeschool pen pals.
Your room looks like a science lab.
You can get science credit for going to the dentist.
You go to the park for P.E.
You check out at least ten books every time you visit the library.
You have ever attempted to teach yourself physics.
You have no idea what rock bands are currently popular.
You get books and science kits for your birthday.
You know what Latin roots are.
Your board games all have names like "Bookworm", "Scrabble", "S'math", "Game of Knowledge", and "Name The State".
Your home library is arranged in Dewey Decimal order.
Your favorite place to study is outside, under a tree.
You can quote lines from Shakespeare, but not from South Park.
You memorize math formulas for fun.
You never get nervous on the first day of school.
The only bully you ever run into is your big brother.
You don't have to remember a locker combination, just your computer password.
It takes you less than a minute to walk to school.
You don't have to worry about forgetting anything - you can just run back to your room and get it.
Your school bus is a nine-passenger van.
There are only nine students in your class - but all of them are your brothers and sisters.
You have a 12-year-old, a 6-year-old, and a 2-year old in the same class.
You can get extra credit for cleaning your room.

You Know You're a Home Educator if....

You live in a one-house schoolroom.
Your walls are covered with maps and timelines.
You know what math manipulatives are.
You have mold growing in your fridge on purpose.
Your preschooler can name all the planets, but doesn't know who the Rugrats are.
You've mastered the fine art of vacuuming a floor without sucking up a Lego or K'nex piece.
You're either an expert at doing the Lego dance - Oooch! Ouch! Yeow! - or else you've resorted to wearing shoes around the house.
You know the recipes for homemade versions of Play-doh, finger paint, and paste.
Your students have to clear the breakfast bowls off the table before sitting down to do their school work.
Your house is messy, but your kids are happy.
You know that reverse psychology really works.
Your kids publish their own family newsletter.
You shop for birthday presents at educational stores.
All you want for Christmas is a Barnes and Noble gift certificate.
You'd rather buy books than clothes.
Your friends don't want to help you move because you have so many books.
You turn a trip to the grocery store into a learning experience.
You get nervous about what people will say when you take your kids to K-Mart in the middle of the day.
You have a standard one-minute speech to give to store clerks, mother-in-laws, and school officials about why you homeschool.
You are sick and tired of answering the question, "But what about socialization?"
For your wedding anniversary, you decide to splurge and get a photocopier.
Talking out loud to yourself is the same as having a parent/teacher conference.
When you see a parking lot full of mini vans, you wonder if there's a homeschooling conference.
You take your family vacation in September, when the beaches and theme parks are empty.
You take a suitcase full of books along on your family vacation.
You can never find your kitchen utensils because they're out in the sandbox.
Your kitchen doubles as a science lab.
You are on a first name basis with your local librarian and bookstore owner.
The UPS driver delivers a box of Scholastic books to your doorstep once a month.
You know the scientific names of dinosaurs from A to Z.
You're willing to drop what you're doing at a moment's notice to go look something up in a dictionary or encyclopedia.
You have ever vented for more than five minutes on the evils of standardized testing.
You don't get fired for teaching your students about God.
Some days you learn as much as your students.
The more your kids learn, the less you seem to know

Top 10 Things NOT to Say When Asked, "What? No School Today?"

Well normally yes, but this time of year I need help with the planting and plowing.
Goodness, no!!! I graduated 18 years ago, but thanks for the compliment!
No, we homeschool. We're just out to pick up a bag of pork rinds and some Mountain Dew, then we gotta hurry home to catch our soaps.
What?! Where did you guys come from?! Oh my gosh! I thought I told you kids to stay at school! I'm sorry. This happens all the time. (sigh)
There isn't? Why, you'd think we would have seen more kids out then, don't you?
We're on a field trip studying human nature's intrusive and assumptive tactics of displaying ignorance and implied superiority. Thanks for the peek!
On our planet we have different methods of education. (Shhh! No, I didn't give it away... keep your antennae down!)
Oh my goodness! I thought that today was Saturday...come on kids, hurry!
Noooooope.Me 'n Bubba jes' learns 'em at home. Werks reel good!
And the number one answer we should NEVER give to the question: "What? No school today?"
"What? No Bingo today?"

NEWS FROM HOUSTON, TEXAS:

Houston, TX (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a courtroom drama in Houston, Texas, yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his Aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Houston Texans football team, whom the boy firmly believes is not capable of beating anyone.

How Do These People Survive?

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

Life is tough. It's even tougher when you're stupid.

Something for Mother

The department store Santa Claus was more than a trifle surprised when a beautiful young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap. But Santa quickly recovered, and started talking to the college-type lass.

"And what do you want for Christmas?" asked Santa.

"Something for my mother," said the young lady.

"Well, that's what I call thoughtful," smiled Santa. "What can I bring for your mother?"

After a moment's thought, the girl brightened, turned to Santa, and said, "I'd like for her to get a son-in-law."

Memory in a Photograph

By Pamela Jenkins

"She was the prettiest thing I'd ever seen," recalled my grandfather.

My brother and I were sitting cross-legged on the living room floor. Doug was watching a western movie on the television, and I was idly looking through one of my grandparents' photo albums. One of the photographs of my grandmother had caught Grandpa's attention. His usual hearty, buoyant laughter was gone, and his demeanor was quiet and reflective. Suddenly, Grandpa's story had our full attention.

In his earlier years, my grandfather had been a tall, big-framed and muscular man used to working outdoors. The man in front of us was still larger than life to me and my five-year-old brother, but now his shoulders were stooped and his hands knotted with arthritis. He sat on the edge of the couch and studied us both, as if trying to determine whether we were old enough to fully appreciate what he was going to tell us. His gaze then turned to our grandmother sitting a few feet away. His eyes softened as he related the story of how they met.

His first glimpse of his future bride happened while she was in the company of her father and two of her sisters. Her father was conducting business, and the girls were sitting nearby in the back of his old pickup. As he warmed up to his story, Grandma's hands become still, and her crochet lay in a colorful fold on her lap. She listened to the familiar old story, caught up in the tale that we were hearing for the first time. She smiled warmly back at him.

"While her daddy was busy with some other gentlemen," he said, "I was busy watching her and her two sisters. They were sitting there in the back of that old pickup, feet dangling and swinging, giggling and whispering to each other. She had the reddest hair, and she was about the prettiest thing I'd ever seen. I just couldn't help myself..."

Grandma was beaming with pleasure by this time. It wasn't too often Grandpa was this romantic, and she was enjoying the compliments. "...and so I just ran right over there, and bit her on the hind leg."

A thunderous frown knitted my grandmother's forehead, and her dainty fine eyebrows drew close together. Her mouth rounded into a horrified "Oh" as her blue eyes flashed. "Merle, you did not! Mercy, don't you be telling stories like that to these grandkids!" But the damage was done. My brother and I clutched our middles as we rolled backwards in the floor, unable to control our laughter. Her tirade continued, to no effect. Grandpa laughed as hard as the rest of us.

Appearing miffed, Grandma picked up her crochet and started threading the yarn through her fingers, but I saw the quick look she sent my grandfather, complete with a wink. It was the same _expression captured in the photograph in front of me.

I was reminded again years later of that look. It was a few months after my grandmother's death. I was sitting in their living room once again, visiting with Grandpa. I picked up an old photo album and began flipping through the pages, and came across the same photograph of Grandma.

She must have been about eighteen in the picture. She had a little hat perched on her head, and was tossing a saucy look back over her shoulder. She was laughing, and I was struck by how beautiful she had been.

Then I noticed that Grandpa had become quiet. He was sitting next to me, leaning over to look at the photograph. He reached over and placed a callused finger on the page. He studied the image a few moments longer, before saying softly, "That there...that there's the reason I fell in love with her." Then he turned to me and grinned. "Did I ever tell you about the first time I saw her? Prettiest thing I'd ever seen..."

Red Skelton's Recipe for the Perfect Marriage

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair.
My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"
Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

Think Positively... Whatever Your Age!!

A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments: "My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence...

"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "At least we can still drive!"

President Bush

George W. Bush was jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland."
George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One.

The second kid said, "I would really love a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"
George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But son, you don't look like you have a disability.

The kid says, "I will after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!"

Glad That Baby Doesn't Need Glasses!

When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Bob's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Bobby's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had been born without ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they got back home. Little Bobby told his dad he understood completely.

When Bobby looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Bobby."

Bobby said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great," said Little Bobby, "'cuz he'd sure be outta luck if he needed glasses."

Donations

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?"

"Terrorists up ahead have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a gallon" the man replies.....

Blonde Reviews 2005

January -
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February -
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..."duh"... bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March -
Got excited... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months ... box said "2-4 years!"

April -
Trapped on escalator for hours ... power went out!!!

May -
Tried to make Kool-Aid ... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June -
Tried to go water skiing ... couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July -
Lost breaststroke swimming competition ... learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August -
Got locked out of car in rainstorm ... car swamped, because top was down.

September -
Lost a TV quiz show. The capital of California is "C" ... isn't it???

October -
Hate M&M's .. they are so hard to peel.

November -
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said 1 hour per pound,and I weigh 108!!!

December -
Couldn't call 911 . "duh" ... there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

Did You Make it up Okay?

Because our former small-town church was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for the upkeep and maintenance of the church. Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire some of the church's communication systems.

The only way to reach a portion of the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters. Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew. Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the foyer. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying.

Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam! Are you up there? Did you make it okay?"

There was quite an outburst from the foyer when Sam's hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just fine!"

Bathing The Cat - Doggy-Style

by The Dog

Dear Cat Owner,
We need to have a talk. While you give me, man's best friend, a bath quite often, you have yet to bath the family cat even once. I know, I know... I can hear your excuse already. It's that old wives' tale about never bathing a cat. It's all hogwash. Cats need to be bathed as often as dogs... more often actually since they are constantly licking themselves. Their hair must be covered in dried spit! ICK! In case you are unsure how best to go about bathing the family feline, below you will find my detailed instructions for washing the cat...

Thoroughly clean the toilet.
Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water. Lift both the lid and the toilet seat.
Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.)
CAUTION : Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

I am sure you will find this method very helpful. Please let me know when you plan to bathe the cat. I want to watch.

Sincerely,
The Dog

The Hungry Wife

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied: "A can of peaches.

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied "6".

The judge then said, "In that case, I order you to spend 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could make a statement.

The judge asked, "What is it?"

The husband replied, "She also stole a can of peas."

2x4's

Two guys drove their pickup truck into a lumberyard. One of them walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

"You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" the clerk said.

"Let me go check," replied the man, and he went back to the truck.

"Yeah, I meant two-by-fours," he said, returning a few moments later.

"Alright. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute to think and then finally said, "I'd better go check."

After awhile he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're building a house."

Technical Support is Motivation for Murder!

Have you ever telephoned a company's technical support number to get a problem solved? Well I did recently, but it didn't go very well...
Ring.... Ring.... Ring.... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ring.... Ring.... Ring.... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ring.... Ring.... Ring.... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Automated Answer (finally):

"Thank you for calling Technical Support."

"All of our technicians are currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician."

Hold music... Hold music... Hold music... Hold music...
Hold music... Hold music... Hold music... Hold music...
Hold music... Hold music... Hold music... Hold music...
Hold music... Hold music... Hold music... Hold music...

Ring... (All right! They must be transferring me...) Ring

"The waiting time is now estimated at between 15 minutes and eternity. In order to expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit product identification number onto your telephone touch pad, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind. Do it now."

Preventing a Law Suit

I enjoy watching people eat fruit. In fact, I sometimes give it away when people visit (oranges especially). I never thought of the legal ramifications of my generosity until recently though, when a lawyer friend visited me. "You shouldn't give this away so easily" he said. "It's possible a stranger would visit you and partake of your generosity, then later sue you for damages."

"What do you suggest I do?" I asked, quite concerned about the possibility of facing a lawsuit.

"I'd recommend you precede your fruit giving by the following statement" he said, before inhaling a large breath and beginning his discourse.

"Know all men by these presents that I hereby give, grant, bargain, sell, release, convey, transfer, and quitclaim all my right, title, interest, benefit, and use whatever in, of and concerning this chattel, otherwise known as an orange or citrus orantium, together with all the appurtenances thereto of skin, pulp, pip, rind, seeds, and juice, to have and to hold the said orange together with its skin, pulp, pip, rind, seeds, and juice for his own use and behoof, to himself and his heirs in fee simple forever, free from a liens, encumbrances, easements, limitations, restraints, or conditions whatsoever, any and all prior deeds, transfers or other documents whatsoever, not or anywhere made to the contrary notwithstanding, with full power to bite, cut, suck, or otherwise eat the said orange or give away the same, with or without its skin, pulp, pip, rind, seeds or juice.'

Swim and Ride a Bike Better?

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter Asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for him. He's my little brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."

Driving Lesson

Elizabeth was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here, and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing."
Elizabeth turned to the students sitting in the back seat and announced, "I'm going left."

Computers -- Masculine or Feminine?

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because

No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because

In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The jury is still out on this one!!

Why Public Schooling is Better Than Homeschooling

Most parents were educated in the underfunded government-controlled school system, and so may not be smart enough to homeschool their own children.
Children who receive one-on-one homeschooling will learn more than others, giving them an unfair advantage in the marketplace. This is undemocratic.
How can children learn to defend themselves unless they have to fight off bullies on a daily basis?
Ridicule from other children is important to the socialization process.
Children in public schools can get more practice "Just Saying No" to drugs, cigarettes and alcohol.
Fluorescent lighting may have significant health benefits.
Publicly asking permission to go to the bathroom teaches young people their place in society.
The fashion industry depends upon the peer pressure that only public schools can generate.
Public schools foster cultural literacy, passing on important traditions like the singing of "Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg..."
Homeschooled children may not learn important office career skills, like how to sit still for six hours straight.

--Author Unknown

Ain't It the Truth!

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".

She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"

The Potato Family

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland.

And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just......

A COMMON TATER

Engineer Versus Mechanic

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below in a garden, tending some flowers. Descending a little bit more to be within talking range the balloonist shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below responded, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Kid's Version of Kitchen Terms

BOIL: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic "Yuck" before a food is even tasted.

CASSEROLE: Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.

DESSERT: The reason for eating a meal.

EVAPORATE: Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash dishes.

FRUIT: A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.

REFRIGERATOR: A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.

SODA POP: Shake 'N Spray.

TABLE LEG: Percussion instrument.

Am I Driving?

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they went on through it.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I am sure we just went through a red light!"

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again she went right through it. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it!

She turned to the other woman and said, "Marcelyn!! Did you know we just went through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Marcelyn turned to her and said, "Oh dear! Am I driving?"

Miracle at the Mall

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?"
The father responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
Smiling, the father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Mother."

A Good Question

A person was playing Trivial Pursuit one night with a bunch of friends. After rolling the dice and landing on "Science and Nature," the question was read. "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear them?" The person thought for a long moment, and then finally asked, "Is the vacuum turned on or off?"

Too Much Time on Your Hands

A young man, fresh out of college, went to see his doctor one day.
"Doc, there's something wrong with me. Every time I stand in a baby's high chair and face southwest, and then touch my tongue to a piece of aluminum foil that's wrapped around an acorn, I get a strange tingle in my big toe. Can you tell me what the problem is?"
"Sure!" said the doctor. "You have WAY too much time on your hands!"

Van Gogh's Relatives

His dizzy aunt
Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes
Gotta Gogh
The constipated uncle
Cant Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store
Stopin Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia
U. Gogh
The cousin from Illinois
Chica Gogh
His magician uncle
Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin
Amie Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother
Gring Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt
Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco
Go Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach
Wellsfar Gogh
The bird lover uncle
Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst
E. Gogh
The fruit loving cousin
Mann Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking
Wayta Gogh
The little bouncy nephew
Poe Gogh
His niece who travels the country in a van
Winabay Gogh

More humor!