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hsmommyofmany

Posted 2010-05-20 10:02 PM (#162374)
Subject: difficulty with my ASD daughter

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Posts: 5

i have a 10 yo daughter with aspergers who is not thriving, and neither am i. she told me today she wants to go to public school which i will not allow because she does not make good choices for her self, is horribly impulsive and has no self discipline...i pulled her out of school because she was just getting in trouble all the time and she was not learning plus she was coming home with NEW bad habits. she already has enough bad habits, she doesnt need more. i would have to re-teach her everything when she got home from school and it was miserable for everyone. this is my second year homeschooling her. her therapist thinks i should put her in special ed at the local public school but i know in my heart it is not good for her. i think she thinks if she goes to public school she will understand math and how to write and miraculously have friends. how do i help her understand that going to public school has nothing to do with making friends or being able to understand math. she hates me for making her be homeschooled and i dont know what to do. i am so frustrated by her somtimes i feel like giving up and just letting the city deal with her!!! i have 5 other children and i feel like she is ruining my spirit and i am ruining hers. she goes to church each week, is a competative gymnast and is at the gym with her team 12 hours a week, goes to a coop suring the school year and has kids her own age in our neighborhood. i feel like i am failing and want to give up. HELP!!

rachel

Pam in Colorado

Posted 2010-05-21 12:19 AM (#162383 - in reply to #162374)
Subject: Re: difficulty with my ASD daughter

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Posts: 2963
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Location: Colorado

Hello Rachel! I have a 10 year old (soon to be 11) and a 9 year old (soon to be 10) still at home. Both are girls and 10 is a tough age to start with, so hugs to you both!!! I also have a now 20 yo nephew with Asperger's that moved in with us full time at age 11. He was probably only, maybe, 5-6 years old emotionally at the time. Time did help. He now lives independently (although not nearly as "clean"ly as I would like - he does know how to cook, clean... but just doesn't do enough of that), holds down a full time job and has "friends" at work, even though that does not spill over to his private time. He has "online friends" he plays games with, but that part of his life may always be difficult.

Based on what you wrote I would say your daughter has plenty of "friend/social" time, so if she is not making friends, putting her in public school is definitely not going to solve that problem as you already stated.

With her schooling, could you tell us what you use, how your day looks...? That might help us give you some suggestions on what might work for you/has worked for us/didn't work for us. Since each situation is different I hesitate to throw out ideas without knowing more of what you are seeing/doing already.

Hang in there, it does get better. Not knowing the when is hard though.

hsmommyofmany

Posted 2010-05-21 2:00 AM (#162388 - in reply to #162383)
Subject: Re: difficulty with my ASD daughter

Member

Posts: 5

oh thank you so much for responding...yes 10 is a difficult age and she is my oldest so i am new to the "preteen" thing which is just making things so much worse.

like you said, there is definately a disconnect between physical age and the "age" of the child and i think when their bodies are maturing so much faster than the rest of them it just compounds the problem.

she also has alot of problems with an obsession with food and i feel i spend half of my day making sure she is not stealing food...which she does if she is not watched like a hawk and as a mother of 6 kids, money and food are not growing on trees, ya know.

as far as carriculum, this year we have really just focused on the basics, math, reading, writing and language arts. i use my fathers world for bible, hx, science etc. but most of that got left at the curb this year because it takes her hours just to accomplish the basic math etc. that she needs to do. some days she will spend and entire day (i mean like 8 hours) on one writing assignment. math has been difficult and she does not retain so we spend most of our time repeating, repeating, and repeating again. she has difficulty moving to a new type of math because she does not do well with math concepts and can not build on what she has already learned. she has similar issues in language arts and writing. we have been studying grammer and spelling, the exact same info, for years and she still can not tell me if a word is a verb, noun, adjective or adverb. she does the same exercises over and over and sometimes its like she has never learned the info in the first place.

for math we have tried singapore, saxon, math-u-see...none of them work for her. right now i am focusing on her learning her facts and doing some higher order math with carrying and some long division. i just write out problems for her and we repeat often. for language arts i use first language lessons and writing strands and spelling power..then she just reads what she enjoys which has become her latest obsession and she will sit in her room for hours reading instead of starting on her schoolwork. we also use mathletics to reinforce her math, which she just does the easy stuff adn skips the rest.

some days between her meltdowns, inability to control her impulses, her food stealing and her problems with schoolwork, she can consume an entire days worth of attention. we usually spend more time dealing with her than our other 5 children combined. i have several other special needs kids as well, one who is a 4 yr old type 1 diabetic.

i am attending the homeschool convention here in VA in june and hoping to get some help with carriculum etc. for her for next year. i am just so tired, exastperated really. i feel like i have nothing left to give to her and i feel like all i do is berate her all day and i dont know how to change it. we are getting ready to take a break for a while. i am hoping maybe that will calm things down some but if i do not school her all summer, i will have to start all over again in the fall :P

i know i am too hard on her...i am a perfectionist, and it is very dificult for me to understand why understanding the difference between a noun and a verb is is difficult but i want to be a better teacher for her, i just dont know how. i feel like i am failing her and now she hates me...im always the bad guy and i hate that.

Pam in Colorado

Posted 2010-05-21 11:08 AM (#162397 - in reply to #162374)
Subject: Re: difficulty with my ASD daughter

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Posts: 2963
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Location: Colorado

Rachel, hugs to you! I'm a recovering perfectionist, so I understand. I have had to apologize to my nephew for being "too hard" on him at times. Because of the perfectionistic tendencies though, I was not "too soft" and that benefitted him in the long run. He would not be living on his own if I had not stood firm on most things. Finding that healthy place is hard though.

I have to leave in a couple of minutes so I will just throw out a few thoughts for now.

1. I'd focus math on real life applications. Can she count money? That is something she'll need as an adult, so I'd put my math focus on her knowing the denominations and adding and subtracting of money. Set up a "home store" or take her to the real thing and then let her work with the clerk (with you over seeing) on the transactions. When it becomes real it sometimes clicks faster. Forget someone else's scope and sequence on what she "should" be learning. Help her to learn what she "needs" to know for real life and independence. Then, as she matures inside and out, re-introduce multiplication/division and she may very well be ready later. Anything past add/subtract/multiplication/division can be learned later in life if she needs it, or just left aside. We are going to be using Life of Fred math with my girls and any other kids we will have (we are in process of foster/adopt). Wish I had known about it for my oldest dd. Also, math in cooking. She may never formally understand fractions, but she can be using them and getting a vague grasp of them through cooking/measuring. Cooking from scratch is a great thing. Then, she can have a better relationship with food in general as well. My nephew started trying "new to him" foods when he started helping to prepare meals. The ingredients/whole food became less intimidating to him.

2. Don't worry about the noun/verb/adj/adv thing at this point either (or ever - unless she is going to need it for a career choice down the road). Get her proficient in reading. Books of all genre, cook books, instructions on games/kits... Things she will want/need for pleasure and independent living. (even if she is never independent - at this point, no one can predict this as fact).

3. Work on cleanliness. Showering, hair cleaning, nails, doing all steps of laundry, dishes, room cleaning, out door cleaning needs.... Step by step, broken down in writing... whatever is necessary for her to get this ingrained into her. It doesn't have to be to perfection at this point, but to "acceptable to you" for her short and long term needs. This age is not always the most desirous of showering... but it is necessary for her and all those around her.

My nephew "knows" how to clean well, but does not see a great need in his apt. I no longer go visit him because it is gross. We finally told him that he has to be prepared for an eviction from the apt. manager if he doesn't decide that keeping his own home clean is important. He does well at work, but has seperated his life into work vs. home and home is all about sleep and entertainment (movies/computer).

4. Keep stretching your dd on her food/eating, and on social cues. We had to teach my nephew how to recognize joking/sarcasm/facial expression/body language... He doesn't always "get it" to this day, but does more now than not. He's come a long way from age 11 to age 20. Keep hope and focus on character and independent living skills over any curriculum. More important to help develop a love of the Lord and sensitivity to others' needs, then to master grammar, math... As her mind/body/emotions mature you will have windows of opportunity to teach a new thing, until then, gently and firmly (give up perfection) steer her to family/life participation of what is most important to your families needs and her needs within the family and in preparation for her adulthood.

I'm giving you permission

to give up any pressure on following someone else's curriculum, scope and sequence... You know what you need within your family and what your daughter will need for her own life one day. Right now you need her heart more than she needs grammar and division.

Caron

Posted 2010-05-21 12:06 PM (#162400 - in reply to #162374)
Subject: RE: difficulty with my ASD daughter

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Posts: 540
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Hello, Rachel, and welcome!

I have an 18-year-old ds with high functioning autism. I afterschooled him while he was in ps special ed, and then pulled him out to homeschool him full-time after third grade. Homeschooling him resulted in huge gains for him, but, because I was so tied up with his needs, the homeschooling of his siblings did suffer some.

Does your dd like computer games? Computer math software was a huge benefit to us, not so much in teaching math concepts to begin with, but in helping my ds use those concepts so that he learned and retained them better. Some of them also taught problem solving and logical thinking. I never had to "require" him to use these math programs; they were fun. (These were in addition to the software that drilled math facts, which were not so fun.) Also, historically based strategy computer games like Age of Empires helped him learn logical thinking and problem-solving, as well as helped instill in him a love of history. These games had the additional benefit of engaging him profitably for a while so that I could homeschool my other children.

I tried to tie some of his schoolwork to his interests. So, some of his dictation assignments when he was your dd's age came from Star Wars books. For his composition assignments, he is allowed to write about football.

Have you taken a look at the learning style of your dd? If she's kinesthetically oriented, for example, teaching using activities might be helpful in engaging her more. My ds is primarily visually oriented, so we have dry erase boards all over the place. A timeline circles the walls in the living room, dining room, and hallway.

Unlike your dd, my ds was (and is) so happy to be homeschooled. He has some input into what we do, both in terms of which textbook we use and in terms of what assignment he does from hour to hour (as long as everything gets done). For example, after a break, I would give him a choice of "Do you want to do math next or history (or some other subject)?" He's also content to be homeschooled because (as he informed me after we'd been homeschooling him for a few years), I let him have more breaks than he got in public school--and his breaks at home involve videogames, which he loves. My comments below, therefore, are not based on personal experience, because I never had to use techniques like these with a ds who has been largely compliant (although, even with him, puberty was rough).

Pubescence (and pre-pubescence) is a tough age. You mentioned that her being in public school was "miserable for everyone" (including, I'm assuming, her). Does she remember that? Does she remember that she didn't understand math when she was in public school, either, nor did she have friends? (Of course, she may be choosing to not remember, if she's trying to get out of being homeschooled and the grass is always greener on the other side.)

Your dd sounds like she has a great interest in gymnastics and in reading, which is wonderful. Is there any way you can tie her ability to participate in gymnastics and leisure reading to her getting her work done? --like, she can't go to gym or read her favorite book(s) until she has done her assigned work for the day? Or: Every time she demands to be sent back to public school (a demand is different from a reasonable request for discussion), she loses 15 minutes of gym time or reading time?

Again, welcome!

Caron

Kathryn

Posted 2010-06-05 12:26 PM (#163443 - in reply to #162374)
Subject: Re: difficulty with my ASD daughter

Member

Posts: 6

Hello Rachel,

I tend to be shy, even on the internet and rarely ever post. But your post really touched my heart. I feel for what you are going through. I am homeschooling two special needs teens. Until very recently I have been working as a one-on-one teachers aide in the mainstream classroom with an ASD student. I'll try and share a little of what I've learned over the years.

First off, have you had any training at all in dealing with learning disorders? You might want to check with your local school district. They often have workshops that you can attend for little or no cost. Look especially for the ones geared towards para-educators. These can be very helpful, especially if they cover learning styles of the ASD student. I would also recommend finding a book or two, such as How To Be A Para Pro : A Comprehensive Training Manual For Paraprofessionals by Diane Twatchman-Cullen. This is geared towards a classroom setting, but there is still a lot of info you may find helpful.

Remember, too, that with these children skills tend to come and go. Just because she could do something yesterday (or last week, last year) doesn't mean she will be able to do it today.

She, and you, might also benefit from shorter lesson times. There really isn't a hard and fast rule that every child must finish a whole assignment in one day. Shorter lessons can help with skill retention.

Keep focusing on the basics, especially in math. Until she gets the basics down, its ok to make accommodations for her needs. Perhaps she could use a multiplication table of her own making. Work on one part of the table at a time, such as 5's, etc. This way you have not only helped her drill in a basic skill, she now has a useful tool.

Don't worry about long division and remainders unless she has a good grasp of simple division. The student I worked with had a hard time grasping simple division until we started using beans. Say for 25/5, we would start out with 25 beans and "divide" (I always used this word to help him make the connection.) them up into groups of five. Then he would count how many groups it made. (Perhaps you've already tried something like this.)

As Pam suggested, help her learn about money. Perhaps Menu Math or Grocery Cart Math would be helpful. Also, can she tell time? Does she understand elapsed time? These will be necessary as she gets older.

Don't worry about parts of speech. As long as she can communicate effectively it really won't matter over the course of her lifetime whether she knows a noun from a verb. I'd focus more on the actual mechanics of legible writing. Again, keep lessons short. If she feels overwhelmed she is going to loose focus before she even starts.

On the social end of things, you might try helping her to make "feelings" cards. I googled images of different facial expressions such as happy, sad, angry, etc. We made cards labeled with the appropriate emotion. Start with a small list and add as she progresses. You can use these to help her identify her own emotions as well as those of others. We also used social stories. These focus on different areas of socially appropriate behavior such as what makes a good friend and personal hygiene. These can be found, complete with illustration, on the internet, or you could make up your own.

Wow, I guess I could go on and on about this. But I don't want to overwhelm you too much. This is just my opinion, but I think you both will start to enjoy homeschooling more when you are both feeling more successful. Play around with different strategies. Experiment with different ways of doing things until you find out what really works for both of you. Your dd has her own God-given time-line of learning. Just because she isn't meeting a certain standard by a certain time doesn't indicate failure on your part or hers. Most of all, remember to have a sense of humor about the whole thing. Try to find something, no matter how small, that you can laugh about in your homeschooling, and parenting, experiences.

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